Once there was a weasel named Mr. Ferret, who was a lifelong bachelor, and he liked to tell a rodent named Mr. Porcupine, who married for true love, that he was the most preposterous creature that he had ever met.
Every morning Mr. Ferret would pass by Mr. Porcupine’s tree and say: “You are preposterous! You are prickly and fat! I am slender and sleek, and I have beautiful pink eyes and a stunning mask. I wake up at dawn every morning and work until dusk. You sleep in the day, and you are up all night! What a lazy thing! At least I go hunting for rabbits. All you do is eat twigs! You and your quills are always bruising someone!”
Mr. Porcupine pretended not to hear Mr. Ferret. Of course, the porcupine was supposed to be asleep in the day. Every ounce of Mr. Porcupine’s flesh wanted to throw his quills at the ferret. His father had taught him to send his sharp spines like daggers at ferrets, but Mr. Porcupine was afraid that Mr. Ferret might get hurt, or in the very least someone around him might lose an eye.
He didn’t understand why Mr. Ferret insisted on pointing fingers at him every morning. Mr. Porcupine had never done anything other than offer him clover and bark, and when leaves and herbs did not calm him, Mr. Porcupine stayed in hiding, especially when Mr. Ferret left behind his potent body odor of rotten eggs. So, Mr. Porcupine kissed Mrs. Porcupine and drifted back to sleep.
One morning, many mornings later, Mr. Ferret passed by the porcupine’s tree. Mr. Ferret called out all sorts of taunting insults like his usual banter. Mostly, Mr. Porcupine had ignored Mr. Ferret, feeling sorry for him.
On this particular dawn, Mr. Porcupine called back to him: “You might want to keep an eye open for the wolves. I saw them late last night. They were scouring for food under the blood-red moon and would love to eat you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. They would surely eat you instead!” Mr. Ferret cried.
Mrs. Porcupine whispered: “Maybe this is how we get rid of Mr. Ferret once and for all!”
“Honey, don’t say that. One day he will see the error of his ways,” Mr. Porcupine said. He tried to warn Mr. Ferret. It was the ferret’s fault if he did not pay attention. All of a sudden, a pack of wolves came over the bank, growling in anger.
As Mr. Porcupine looked from his tree, every quill on his body rose in defense. The wolves charged through the forest, heading right for the weasel.
“Mr. Ferret, watch out! Run for your life,” Mr. Porcupine cried to him.
Instead, Mr. Ferret started a little dance–the weasel war dance: “I will dance past all my enemies, and they will do me no harm!” So, he hopped and bumped sideways, clicking and hissing. He squeaked this way and that, showing his teeth, and leaving hairballs at his feet.
Mr. Porcupine shook at the thought of Mr. Ferret’s demise. Although he could not stand Mr. Ferret, he would miss their morning routine. Oftentimes, Mr. Porcupine wondered if Mr. Ferret really wanted to be friends, but he didn’t know how to properly express his true feelings.
As the wolves approached, Mrs. Porcupine covered her head under the tree branch and cried. In anguish about the wolves and their teeth, Mr. Porcupine took a deep breath and sent his quills spinning from the tree through the cool morning air. He secretly hoped that the sharp spines would poke out the eyes of the wolves, and Mr. Ferret could have enough time to run away before he was devoured.
Of course, Mr. Ferret’s weasel war dance did nothing but make him look like an easy target. As Mr. Porcupine’s quills flew toward the wolves, he hoped he had good aim. Before the wolves knew what happened, the quills hit the pack like daggers.
The lead wolf said: “Why didn’t you see that preposterous porcupine out on the limb?”
Another wolf said: “Me? Why didn’t you see him? I can’t do everything at once.”
As the wolves whimpered back over the bank, Mr. Ferret kept dancing.
“The weasel war dance works every time!” he said.
Astounded and befuddled, Mr. Porcupine didn’t know what to say.
So, he climbed down the tree with not one quill intact and said: “It was I, not your silly weasel war dance, that saved your life.”
“Leave my husband alone. You are full of trouble,” Mrs. Porcupine called to the ferret.
Mr. Ferret gasped! “Oh my, your husband must have seen that I had shut my eyes while dancing. I’m sure he’s lying. His quills would never be sharp enough to save my life.”
Of course, Mr. Porcupine was hoping for a better response than that. So, he climbed back up his tree, and he shut his own eyes. He was so glad he had a big heart. Otherwise, he might not be able to bear the nasty comments from Mr. Ferret.
“Never do anything like that for him again,” Mrs. Porcupine said.
“Oh, Mr. Porcupine, you are the most preposterous creature I have ever seen! You’re naked! And you have no way to defend yourself. What did happen to your quills?” the ferret yelled. Then Mr. Ferret took a step backward and landed on a single porcupine quill: “Aah! Mr. Porcupine, you are preposterous! Preposterous! You are so preposterous that you just might be my best friend.”
Mr. Porcupine was already snoring on a tree branch, hoping his quills would grow back soon. He decided to ignore Mr. Ferret, like he did on most mornings, and maybe one day the weasel would save his preposterous porcupine life in return. And it would not be with the weasel war dance, because it didn’t work anyway.
Copyright 2014 Jennifer Waters
https://soundcloud.com/jen-waters/mr-ferret-and-the-preposterous-porcupine-the-story-of-a-weasel-and-a-rodent-spoken-word-narrated-by-jen-waters
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